All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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