Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
It's never too late to be topless.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
