I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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