yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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