Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Randomize
