Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
