More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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