If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
