checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
