she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
jump out the window naked night went bad
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