Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
