Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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