new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
