So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
