Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
