for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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