Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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