Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
