1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
