Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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