I accidentally had phone sex last night
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
