The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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