I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
