I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
