Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
