My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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