I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
