You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
