Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Someone came in the potted fern
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
