she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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