did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
