you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
