I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
