So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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