so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
