What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
