Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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