Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
