I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
