Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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