i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
