A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
