I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
