I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
