Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
