I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
