batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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