just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
