god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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