I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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