Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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