We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
