she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
